So it's been a few months since that dreaded colonoscopy and the results were as expected; ulcerative colitis. Ironically, as soon as she had the coloscopy the symptoms waned and she quickly become symptom free. However, we learned that this does happen and flare ups will continue through her life. As I predicted, having the procedure and the diagnosing behind us, life has gotten better, easier, calmer. My mood has elevated as has my energy. My little one has not changed at all; staying the happy singing chirpy girl that she is.
We've had birthdays and school events and travels and playdates and so on. Life goes on :-).
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Heavy
I'm driving down the road listening to an upbeat inspirational song. The sun is shining. It's unseasonably warm and the birds are responding by chirping out their approval.
Normally this kind of day would lift me, fill me up and instill in me a euphoria that most winter days are not capable of doing. Today however, it does not. I'm in a funk. I'm rarely ever in the kind of funk that this kind of day can't cure. I feel guilty, embarrassed, ashamed that I'm in this kind of funk. I have a wonderful family, a job, great friends and no MAJOR problems that can't be helped. So why am I feeling so burdened, so helpless?
I'm a counselor and have spent years learning about depression; signs and symptoms. I know enough to know that I'm fine. That I'll snap out of this momentarily. I know that I will go away in another week with some wonderful girlfriends and I'll have the best time and forget this feeling. But right now, I feel heavy. I just got over being sick. My 6 year old has developed an anxiety around throwing up (thanks to me of course!) which has thrown us a curve that we didn't expect. And my 3 year old has to go in on Tuesday for a colonoscopy to determine if she has colitis. Ok this is the worst of what's going on right now and mostly responsible for my heavy feelings.
It has been such an awful 2 months of seeing her, helping her, dammit wiping her when she has had bloody diarrhea 6-7 times per day. Going to the pediatrician weekly to try to get them to understand what we are dealing with and please, you idiot, do something to help her!!!! 5 weeks until we finally bipassed that moron and went to the GI doctor who within 5 minutes of listening to our story, diagnosed my baby with colitis and gave us clear and sensical instructions including the impending colonoscopy.
It has been awful, time consuming, heart wrenching and it has weighed on me. Every time I wiped and saw blood. Every time she shuddered and said she was cold (which means she has a cramp). Every time she steps on the scale and it doesn't go up. I have cringed.
And I feel guilty.
In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing. She is happy and otherwise healthy. She has energy and is unfailingly upbeat. Once we figure this out, we can control it. How dare I dwell on this and let it get me down. There are babies out there with cancer. Kids with lifelong debilitating diseases. Parents lose children all the time. How can I let myself be in this funk when this is nothing compared to what other parents must face every day?
Maybe it's just the exhaustion of it. The dreading of the procedure. I'm thinking that once it's done and we have answers I will feel so differently. I hope I will.
Normally this kind of day would lift me, fill me up and instill in me a euphoria that most winter days are not capable of doing. Today however, it does not. I'm in a funk. I'm rarely ever in the kind of funk that this kind of day can't cure. I feel guilty, embarrassed, ashamed that I'm in this kind of funk. I have a wonderful family, a job, great friends and no MAJOR problems that can't be helped. So why am I feeling so burdened, so helpless?
I'm a counselor and have spent years learning about depression; signs and symptoms. I know enough to know that I'm fine. That I'll snap out of this momentarily. I know that I will go away in another week with some wonderful girlfriends and I'll have the best time and forget this feeling. But right now, I feel heavy. I just got over being sick. My 6 year old has developed an anxiety around throwing up (thanks to me of course!) which has thrown us a curve that we didn't expect. And my 3 year old has to go in on Tuesday for a colonoscopy to determine if she has colitis. Ok this is the worst of what's going on right now and mostly responsible for my heavy feelings.
It has been such an awful 2 months of seeing her, helping her, dammit wiping her when she has had bloody diarrhea 6-7 times per day. Going to the pediatrician weekly to try to get them to understand what we are dealing with and please, you idiot, do something to help her!!!! 5 weeks until we finally bipassed that moron and went to the GI doctor who within 5 minutes of listening to our story, diagnosed my baby with colitis and gave us clear and sensical instructions including the impending colonoscopy.
It has been awful, time consuming, heart wrenching and it has weighed on me. Every time I wiped and saw blood. Every time she shuddered and said she was cold (which means she has a cramp). Every time she steps on the scale and it doesn't go up. I have cringed.
And I feel guilty.
In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing. She is happy and otherwise healthy. She has energy and is unfailingly upbeat. Once we figure this out, we can control it. How dare I dwell on this and let it get me down. There are babies out there with cancer. Kids with lifelong debilitating diseases. Parents lose children all the time. How can I let myself be in this funk when this is nothing compared to what other parents must face every day?
Maybe it's just the exhaustion of it. The dreading of the procedure. I'm thinking that once it's done and we have answers I will feel so differently. I hope I will.
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